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I just want to run up and spank my dad's ass and run off screaming, "I'm your son from the future! Ahhhh!! I'm from the future, I'm your son!"


I don't like that. I don't like it when juice wears tights. It's a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights.


I always wanted to be a snake. Everytime I saw a snake of TV. I'd always say WHY NOT ME?!?!


We were so poor growing up, that little iron...we had to actually use that little iron. That's not funny. It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. {Monopoly}



I was the only kid in the eighth grade wearing Wrangler Jeans... and Jellies! Nice. Nice.


You never hear a guy say to one of his buddies, "Hey listen, Mike, Michael. Tonight, dude? I gotta dance. What, chicks? No, no. f**k chicks, dude. I wanna dance. I just want to express myself through the art of dance, Mike. I don't wanna see a chick..."


You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, f**k that.


Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? Its gotta be so hot.


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Quotes are a great way to motivate yourself or others. When we use quotes in our dialogue or in presentations we show people that we have learned from the wisdom of others and that we believe in what we are saying. We're not just sharing our opinion, it is how other's feel as well. So keep the wisdom of the past alive and recite some dane cook quotes today.

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