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"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper

"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan


"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

Brendan Francis

" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling


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Quotes are a great way to motivate yourself or others. When we use quotes in our dialogue or in presentations we show people that we have learned from the wisdom of others and that we believe in what we are saying. We're not just sharing our opinion, it is how other's feel as well. So keep the wisdom of the past alive and recite some funny quotes today.

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